On February 10, 2003, HotForSimon and Julietspeaks had the distinct pleasure of conducting the first-ever online chat with all THREE of Simon's personalities: Real Simon, Fantasy Simon, and American Idol Simon. We asked our lovely hero(es) some of the questions we know our valued customers have been asking over the past year.

If you have any notion that the transcript below is not a work of pure fiction, God help us all. Go back to our DISCLAIMER page and commit every word to memory. Then, and only then, are you permitted to return. If at any point you believe this conversation could have really happened, open the yellow pages and IMMEDIATELY dial up the first therapist on the list.

MODERATOR: Q. What would it take to get you in bed, Simon?

AI Simon: Nudity is good.
Fantasy Simon: Don't be crass. Eye contact. That, and a beautiful smile. We'd see where it went from there.
Real Simon: Who ARE these two?

MODERATOR: Q. What's your idea of the perfect date?

AI Simon: Nudity is good.
Fantasy Simon: Shut up, AI Simon.
AI Simon: No, I do. I think nudity is important in any relationship.
Real Simon: Do I really sound this ridiculous?
Fantasy Simon: Yes, you do.
Real Simon: Well, shit.

MODERATOR: Q. Do you want to get married?

AI Simon: No.
Fantasy Simon: YES! And why does AI Simon always get to answer first?
AI Simon: Because I am the dominant personality.
Fantasy Simon: You're the asshole.
Real Simon: Don't I get to answer?
Fantasy Simon: No, you don't.
Real Simon: Why the hell not?
AI Simon: Because you can't get your shit together, that's why not.
Real Simon: What does THAT mean?
Fantasy Simon: It means you let us talk for you all the time because you can't keep your story straight.
Real Simon: Oh. Right.
AI Simon: Pathetic.

MODERATOR: Q.Why did you wax off your chest hair in Barbados?

Fantasy Simon: HA! I told you that would come up!
AI Simon: He lost a bet.
Fantasy Simon: Oh, you won't believe this.
Real Simon: It's MY chest hair and I'll tell the damn story.
AI Simon: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Real Simon: Ryan Seacrest.
Fantasy Simon: **cough**loser**cough**
AI Simon: I like that kid.
Real Simon: Shut up! Ryan bet me I couldn't tell a good transvestite from a real woman.
Fantasy Simon: I can't breathe!
AI Simon: So, he had to wax off his chest hair!
Real Simon: Yeah, I lost that one.
Fantasy Simon: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Real Simon: Christ.

MODERATOR: Q. Speaking of which...Sinitta: What were you thinking?

Real Simon: I thought she was cute.
AI Simon: You would.
Real Simon: What's that supposed to mean?
AI Simon: It means you're a loser.
Fantasy Simon: Come on, that was a bit harsh.
AI Simon: No, it isn't. I don't mean to sound rude, but, look at her! You can tell I wasn't around to help you back then.
Real Simon: What, you have something different?
Fantasy Simon: No kidding.
AI Simon: Hey! Terri's different!
Fantasy Simon: She's different in a stick-person sort of way.
Real Simon: That voice is killing me.
AI Simon: Fuck off. Next?

MODERATOR: Q. Would you consider wearing a Speedo now, for old time's sake?

Real Simon:
AI Simon:
Fantasy Simon:

MODERATOR: Q. Okay, then. Do you ever read the message boards about you?

AI Simon: No.
Fantasy Simon: No.
Real Simon: Sometimes.
AI Simon: You do?
Fantasy Simon: Why?
AI Simon: Don't answer that.
Real Simon: It's nice to know there are people in the world who still like me.
AI Simon: Sap.
Fantasy Simon: I can see that.
Real Simon: AI Simon, you're such an ass. I can't believe I let you talk. Ever.
Fantasy Simon: Oh, me either. People hate you.
Real Simon: So, they hate me, too.
AI Simon: Hey, I made you famous. And, I'm getting you laid.
Fantasy Simon: That's true. There were a lot of strippers in the old days.
Real Simon: I have no response to that.
AI Simon: And that is why we don't let you talk.

MODERATOR: Q. What about the erotic fiction?

AI Simon: YES! Love it.
Fantasy Simon: Yes.
Real Simon: What erotic fiction?
AI Simon: I showed you.
Fantasy Simon: No, that was me.
AI Simon: I never showed him that?
Real Simon: Obviously NOT.
AI Simon: Come here.
Fantasy Simon: You've lost them.
MODERATOR: Forever?
Fantasy Simon: Probably.
AI Simon: No, I'm back, but Real Simon is a goner.
Fantasy Simon: Poor kid. HAHAHA!!

MODERATOR: Q. One last question for the two of you, then. What's the Real Simon really like?

Fantasy Simon: He's a charmer, really.
AI Simon: Too soft for me, but yes, a genuinely nice guy.
Fantasy Simon: He's smarter than we are, too.
AI Simon: The Sinitta fiasco notwithstanding.
Fantasy Simon: Right.
Fantasy Simon: I just wish he were less insecure so he wouldn't need us so much.
AI Simon: He doesn't get it.
Fantasy Simon: No, he doesn't.
AI Simon: But he will.

We are planning a second chat in the near future, this time with questions submitted by YOU!

Please email us at Ask Simon and include your question and the name you would like us to use on your behalf. For security reasons, please do not use your real name.