Is this for real?

GOOD GOD, have you lost your mind? Did you really think that Simon Cowell would authorize something like this? You DID? Wow.

Seriously, WOW.

We're speechless.

Does Simon Cowell know about your page?

We highly doubt it. In fact, we'll just say no.

No.

How can I order a Simon Doll?

We told you this isn't real, but if you want to send us money we're sure we can arrange something.

What forms of payment do you accept?

We accept all major credit cards except Visa, Mastercard, Discover, and American Express. Do not ask to write a check unless you ARE Simon Cowell, in which case we don't want your money, just sexual favors.

How long will it take for my Simon Doll to be delivered?

Well, that depends on how long he stays in Barbados, now doesn't it? Other factors include how long Paula Abdul keeps her doll, how often Randy Jackson kicks him under the table and how long subsequent injuries take to heal, how hormonal Julietspeaks and HotForSimon are when the doll is ready to ship, and which model you've purchased. In fact, don't even bother ordering Romeo Simon or Cuddle Me Simon, they'll never make it out the door.

What do I do if my Simon Doll does not arrive or is damaged?

See a therapist. How many times do we have to tell you this isn't real?

Will you ship overseas?

No. Simon Cowell lives in England; we think that's enough of that. All Simon Dolls are US Citizens, including UK Simon, which is really a US Citizen in disguise. But, don't worry - his accent is still intact! And is it ever!