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Mr. Simon Cowell
Several positions have recently become available at Cowell Manor in Beverly Hills, California. All positions will remain open until properly and permanently filled. No temporary staff will be hired, except where noted. All applicants whose resumes pass the initial screening process will be interviewed by Juliet, Princess of Cowell Manor and Mr. Cowell's Chief of Staff. Princess Juliet's decision will be FINAL. Do not apply simply to meet Mr. Cowell; that will NOT happen. Read the God-damned Disclaimer people; the Princess is sick of reading your emails to Mr. Cowell. And, should you decide to send one, she will use her considerable expense account to fly to your city, track you down, and kick your ass. Policy Effective Immediately NEW LISTING!
Driver
| Description of Vacancy |
Chauffer for Mr. Cowell |
Reason for Vacancy |
One of Mr. Cowell's Beverly Hills neighbors contacted us after witnessing what can only be called complete driving incompetence on Mr. Cowell's part. Said neighbor has asked us to prohibit him from further jamming up traffic in the Beverly Hills area. (The incident in question involved Mr. Cowell drifting into an intersection while attempting a left-hand turn he was insufficiently aggressive to complete in a timely manner. Neighbor has declined the Driver position on the grounds that Mr. Cowell could not afford her.) |
| Qualifications |
Must have valid driver's license and be willing to wear a bunny suit. |
| Compensation |
Full use of Mr. Cowell's 500SL when not in use (primarily to keep Mr. Cowell away from it when Driver is not present) |
Publicist
| Description of Vacancy |
Responsible for creating, maintaining, and/or expanding Mr. Cowell's public image. Also responsible for considerable damage control. |
| Reason for Vacancy |
Max Clifford is completely incompetent and should never have been hired in the first place. See Princess Juliet's Blog entry, Sensitive Dependence On Initial Conditions (The Butterfly Effect). Valentine Green is currently unavailable. Prancy the Poodle is also a factor. |
| Qualifications |
5-8 years experience required; must not have been in the employ of a Gentleman's Club or other such entertainment venue at any time in the past. |
| Compensation |
Princess Juliet's utter devotion. She will even do your laundry for you (i.e. have it done for you by someone else) if you ask her very nicely. |
Personal Assistant
| Description of Vacancy |
Responsible for all tasks as assigned by Mr. Cowell, including but not limited to, retrieval of tea, meals, personal hygiene items and dry cleaning, business and personal telephone duties, typing, filing, and other tasks as needed. |
| Reason for Vacancy |
Princess Juliet will not shovel this crap herself and Orbelina is getting tired of doing it. |
| Qualifications |
Obsessive attention to detail and organizational skills required. Applicant must be the perfect sub-human and never let her contempt show in her worshipping eyes. Reader may believe what she wishes about this position; after a while she will undoubtedly wish to inflict bodily harm upon Mr. Cowell. No one can endure this breed of torture for long. |
| Compensation |
Constant reassurance that Mr. Cowell will return to England shortly and this tour of duty will, in fact, end. Otherwise, the PA is the closest staff member to Mr. Cowell besides the Wife and Princess Juliet. |
Personal Shopper
| Description of Vacancy |
Stylist (renamed for Mr. Cowell's pride) |
| Reason for Vacancy |
Self-explanatory; see any picture of Mr. Cowell. |
| Qualifications |
Must possess keen sense of style and be self-motivated. Must have strong persuasive abilities and be strong-willed to keep Mr. Cowell on track. |
| Compensation |
Liberal budget. May take Mr. Cowell's measurements as needed. May, on occasion, be present to assist Mr. Cowell in dressing. |
Personal Trainer
| Description of Vacancy |
No Longer Available |
| Reason |
After much consideration, HotForSimon has decided to take this position in order to have full access to Mr. Cowell in his little black shorts (See Workout Simon). Princess Juliet waived the application process for this applicant on condition that HFS send her the issue of In Touch magazine she missed. In addition, HFS has promised to detail the view UP the little black shorts from the end of the weight bench to satisfy Princess Juliet's voyeuristic needs. All is fair in love and war... |
Social Secretary
| Description of Vacancy |
Sole duty is to keep Mr. Cowell occupied so he does not visit Gentlemen's Clubs and the Playboy Mansion with ANY regularity. |
| Reason for Vacancy |
Both Mr. Cowell's mother and Princess Juliet are getting rather weary of this pursuit and would rather he applied himself elsewhere. |
| Qualifications |
Applicant must be creative, resourceful, and stubborn. Must work well with others. |
| Compensation |
For the right applicant, this position will be the ultimate cloak and dagger operation. Keeping Mr. Cowell away from such places is indeed a full-time position, and will keep its occupant extremely busy manipulating his schedule. |
Personal Escort (Temporary)
| Description of Vacancy |
Accompany Mr. Cowell to numerous social engagements. |
| Reason for Vacancy |
Princess Juliet is tired of the steady stream of class-free individuals of questionable beauty and moral fiber passing through Mr. Cowell's revolving door and would frankly rather see him with Ryan. And yes, that is what she means. |
| Qualifications |
Must be moderately attractive and possess extensive knowledge of business and social etiquette. Must be available at all times, day or night, and weekends are a MUST. Assignments are often given on short notice. Employee must be flexible in every sense of the word. |
| Compensation |
Besides the obvious, a generous clothing allowance is provided. Employee will work with Personal Shopper to craft a stunning wardrobe, ownership of which will transfer to Personal Escort once assignment is complete. |
*This position will be eliminated upon assignment of Wife; see below.
The Holy Grail of Positions
Wife
| Description of Vacancy |
Lifelong companion and partner to Mr. Cowell. |
| Reason for Vacancy |
It's about time Mr. Cowell was finally happy. |
| Qualifications |
Guidelines for application are extremely strict. ALL of the listed criteria must be met or the application will be rejected.
Applicant must be: kind, loving, trustworthy, gentle, patient, and intelligent with a keen sense of humor and quick wit. Must be self-sufficient and have her own career, though NOT in the entertainment industry. Must have NO aspirations to a career in entertainment or to be in the limelight in any capacity. Must be self-confident, strong, and out-going to balance Mr. Cowell's shyness, impervious to his flirting (which will undoubtedly continue regardless of marital status) and willing to relocate. Must love animals and desire children. Must understand that money is meant for comfort, not outrageous spending, and must be willing to sign a pre-nuptial agreement.
WARNING: If you are only interested in money or furthering your career, DO NOT APPLY! Behavior of this nature will NOT be tolerated and will result in a stoning the likes of which have not been seen in the US since before the advent of electricity. |
| Compensation |
A lifetime of happiness as only Mr. Cowell can give you. |
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